god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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