Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
