I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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