I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
