So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
