I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
