My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
