I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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