I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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