goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
