just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
