I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
