i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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