No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
