ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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