Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
