the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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