dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
