apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
