At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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