Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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