my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
