The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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