so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You have to summon your inner elephant
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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