cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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