He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
