If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize