I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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