in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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