you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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