I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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