why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
