Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
