sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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