weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
