I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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