i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
