so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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