i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize