FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
