Umm I'm too high to move.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
