So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
