Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i drank out of a bidet.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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