During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize