I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
