How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
