New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
