just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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