I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
