i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
