Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
