I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she looked like the before picture.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
