If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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