New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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