I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
