He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
