He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
